A Life Behind Bars

All right, here it is.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be arrested for being a poor mother. Before you start protesting and saying such things like "we all make mistakes", please listen to this one.

Here's the scene: I'm in Seattle, I'm morning sick, and trying to do five million things at once.

Gracie(toddling toward me): I pooped.
Me (wrinkling my nose): Yes you did.
Gracie: Change it
Me: Okay, bring me a diaper and the changing pad.

---she actually does this now!---

I quickly change Gracie's diaper and move forward with my life, which consists of me running the diaper out to the dump. I come back to find my daughter doing weird lunges around the house. She looks up at me, her big blue eyes full of concern.

Gracie: Bum. It hurts
Me: Well, maybe stop lunging.
Gracie: Hug
Me: (I pick her up): Is that better?
Gracie (now squirming beyond reason): Bum, it hurts.

This is when I figure I should check things out. Two seconds later I discover a diaper so poorly placed that I have accidentally discovered the next big thing in torture.

Me: Honey, I'm so sorry! What have I done? Please forgive me! I would never do this to you, unless, you know, I did. I promise I didn't mean to do this. From now on I will be so careful when changing your diaper. You are the most precious thing in the world to me! I love you so much, here eat five million m&m's.
Gracie's eyes are wide open with concern. She can't remember the last time I threw a fit like this. The next thing I know she won't stop lunging and won't stop telling me her bum hurts. It's been like this all week. On the airplane "Ouch, it hurts!", at home, where Sean keeps asking me why her bum hurts, and anywhere else we happen to be.

I can picture myself next time at the grocery store. Unwittingly, a social worker will be behind me looking for chips when a weird conversation catches her ear.

Me: You've already had enough butter and chocolate for the day, so stop asking for it.
Gracie: Bum, it hurts
Me: No it doesn't. You just want more chocolate.

This conversation will continue long enough for the social worker to call the police and have me arrested. I will be sad to leave my small family and new home before ever moving into it. But I will have learned my lesson about the importance of a decent diaper change.

***On another note, it turned out, much to every one's gigantic disappointment, the my mom did have thyroid cancer. Thankfully, it had not entered her blood stream and she is currently recovering from a second surgery. After figuring out proper hormones, it looks like she should be just fine, for which I am eternally grateful.***

***On a totally random tangent, does anyone know the artist who sings the song in the new Old Navy commercial? The one about if you're cold you can have my sweater? I can't get it out of my head and want to download it. Thanks!***


  1. Happy Birthday to Gracie!

    I have been known to give Samson a diaper wedgie a time or two, only he takes matters into his own hands by ripping it off (pants too, if he happens to be wearing any) and running away from me screaming. I guess he figures that makes us about even.

    I am soo sooo sorry about your mom and hope that her recovery goes well. Sam is looking forward to sharing battle stories. All of you are in our prayers.

  2. p.s. I meant battle stories about surgeries, not anything I wrote about earlier.

  3. You are hilarious! If you go to jail, I'll either come visit you or be in the next cell.

    So sorry to hear about your mom. Hope recovery continues to go well.

    The song is "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson, and I'm going to run off to Vegas and marry it in about five minutes.

  4. Hi! Oh Gracie is adorable! What cute stories of her.
    I also hope that you get feeling better soon. Blasted morning sickness!

    And if it makes you feel any better, Jayden fell off the bed and fell over from the sitting position hitting his head on the door frame. So maybe we can be cellmates. :)

    I'm also so sorry to hear about your mom. What a scary thing to go through. I'm so glad that she will recovery. Best wishes to her and your family!

  5. That is funny. Luckily, it won't do any permanent damage. :) That's funny that she totally clued into telling you it hurts so she can have more chocolate! :) Kids are so cute. :)

    Hey, have you found out what you are having yet?