Very Important Letters

Dear Mama Birds,

I wanted to drop you a note and let you know that I am on your side. I am not your enemy. I too am a mother and know that protecting your babies is muy important, but, once again, I am your friend. In fact, if you ever need me I will be there protecting your babies. Heck, if you and Mr. bird ever want some time alone I will sit for you (not on your nest of course as that would be the opposite of protecting your babies... you get my point.) Now, for the love of everything that is beautiful please stop trying to poke my eyes when I jog past you.

Love, innocent, friendly jogger

Dear Jared,

If someone were to feed me to my heart's content, wrap me up in a snuggly blankie and place me in a luscious, spacious bed, I would sleep for twelve days not twelve minutes.

Love, your mama.

Dear HGTV,

I just want you to know that I blame you for making me want to paint my house weird colors.

Love, constant viewer.

P.S. It's okay if you want me to have my own show. I'll totally do it. (Same goes for Food Network. Wait, they deserve their own letter.)

Dear Food Network,

I think I should have my own show. Paw shaw on those people trying out for their own show. You should hire me because I would spunky and humble as I don't know how to do anything. I would call my show "Autum the Amateur". I would be more than willing to wear my ribbon that my brownies won at the state fair. It was first place and I was 11. Like I said, I would be humble...

Love, wannabe baking goddess.

Dear Gracie,

Please read the letter I wrote to Jared.

Love, your mama.

Dear eye doctor,

Thank you for changing my prescription. I now realize that I was wandering around this big beautiful world totally and completely blind.

Love, the patient that you totally ripped off for contacts. Rebate and insurance...yeah whatever.

Dear June,

There are supposed to be a few days in the 80's. I need time to acclimate to change.

Love, still sweating

Dear Hair,

I grew you long so you could be sensual, beautiful and make me feel like a fairy maiden queen. Today you felt like a big nasty wool blanket covering my greasy scalp. You've got ten days to make me feel luscious or I'm taking a pair of scissors to you.

Love, 45 minutes to blow dry.

Dear reader,

I love you and can't believe you've made it this far.

Love, me.


  1. this made me laugh so much! Sorry about your 12 minute sleepers. And you probably just need a new hair dryer. Mine died so I bought the Remington brown/pink one from Target (it was like $35) and it dries my super thick hair SO much faster! Then you can keep your long, luxurious locks. So there. My good deed for the day is done.

  2. Dear Autumn,
    You are hilarious!
    love Mary

    PS I'm writing a letter to all of the above in support of your pleas. I will sign it, Ms Spanky

    (I still have that email you signed that way and sent to my work almost six years ago. It's taped to my desk!)

  3. Thank you for the comic relief. I needed that. :)


  4. You are the only person I know who could come up with a post like that. If you had a show I would watch it faithfully.

  5. These letters are great! They would make a wonderful beginning to your next novel...but before they become copyrited, can I send a copy of the Dear Hair to mine?